Monday, February 3, 2014

Baby step

Am depressed right now so i need to talk about happy things. Baby steps towards managing stress in life. 

Things to be greatfull in life are many. First of all, my baby has grown up to be a beautiful young lady. She melts my heart all the time. I can't be angry at her for more than 3 seconds cause she knows my weakness and that is her being all manja with her hugs and kisses whenever she does smth wrong.   

Second is my job. Yes ironically i am actually very proud with where I am today. My work is tough. Working at the site and be surrounded by those fools but those fools are the one who will teach me to be a better person as a whole. Btw, i'm currently working at sunway construction as a planning engineer.

Third, i have a house. We bought it last year and did a little renovation when i was in confinement. I'm so happy with the ID of my house cause we did it from scratch. Every element has a story and it turn out pretty good.

4th is my car. I have free cars. Not 1 but two free cars!!

Ok now i feel better

Off to bed

Saturday, February 2, 2013


The biggest mistake u can ever make is sleep when ur spouse is angry.

This is one habit that can really kill me by the end of the day.

I am so pissed at you and you can sleep there, snoring?

I am so fucking mad rite now. I wish i could kill myself now

Friday, December 7, 2012

My journey ends here

I'm not gonna write in here anymore. Too many things that can't be mentioned here so i'll be writing somewhere else, privately.

Goodbye blogspot..

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Back to work after birth

I just started working this week and let me tell's hard.

I am struggling.

This is what i have been up to today..

Wake up
Iron working clothes
Prepare rania's bag for nursery
Wake husband up
Get dressed
Again wake husband up
Off to work
Caught in a jam for one hour
Pump BM
Go home
Stuck in the jam again for one hour plus
Finally arrived home
Play with rania+feed rania
Clean the kitchen
Pump BM+ feed rania
Iron clothes
Prepare rania's bag
Shower(by's already midnight)

I iron the clothes and prepare rania 's bag in advance so hopefully i can sleep a little bit longer.

My eyes & brain is shutting down..


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Life aku macam taik

How many times do i have to tell you ak bukan org gaji di rmh tok! Sakit hati tauk sik when i have to pick up where u left off. Not once, twice, ten times but every fucking time.

Mun berik mandik rania, just plainly berik mandik. Nasib juak tdk nampak jamban at least sik ngambo tp everything else sama jak. Lampu n pintu jamban sik tutup. Lampu bilit guest sik tutup. Lampu master bedroom sik tutup. Perlu ka aku jadi pengawas setiap kali ko polah keja. Ak serious fed up. Penat.

Klak mun sigek family dtg, aku juak knak putit suma benda. Mkn lamak mkn skt ati, mkn rs bencik tauk sik. Dah jak kau layan ak mcm apa jak nektok sik perlu ko mok tambah2 mcm tok.

Serious ak nait bencik!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dont get married

Now i finally get it. Why young married couple divorce easily. Why people always say patience is utmost important in a marriage. And remember how people always say 'the honeymoon year will be over before u know it'. Now i finally get it.

It is so stressful that i'll always be reminded that if you say something abt your marriage to other ppl, you will go to hell. Then how will i be okay if i can't share my thoughts and feelings. I know i know..u guys will say 'pa guna ada laki?' But what if the things u'll say might hurt him so you just want to share your burden with your friends so that they will try to give some advice to you and you'll end up feeling better and try to see your husband in another angle, No?

I feel so tormented right now. Last night i just could not sleep. All i do is fret. I wish to tell everyone not to get married or not to have a baby. Things will change. So far, i'm not liking it. Is this even normal? My self esteem is down to ZERO. Last night i bought a girdle size extra extra large, even the promoter was surprise. Going to a shopping mall is depressing coz i'll be observing skinny people and when i see fat ppl around, i'll feel good. See! That's not even healthy. Now i totally get it why husband is not interested to me anymore. It sucks that even my masseus says 'perut ko kdak kulit nangka' I do joke around about it but deep inside i just feel like crap.

I have become over sensitive about stuff. I just can't help it. I even feel jelous if husband doesnt give much attention to me and only to rania. Isn't it suppose to be the other way round. I am so confuse with myself. Even now, husband don't take me seriously when i complaint about my pains. He used to be very caring about this stuff when i was pregnant. Now, the baby is out, he just doesn't care.

I know u will argue with me on this but think it over. How many times have you stop and ask me sincerely about my pain when i suddenly have the sudden shock of pain? Zero. I'm the one who keep on explaining while you keep on playing with the baby. This morning, i make a thick face and ask you to apply pressure on my back and you said ' duduk lah' and i said ' i'll just lay flat' and guess what happen..u doze off! Omfg i was so pissed. Dah lah you snooze your phone when rania smells like poop. The reason why sometimes i just stop caring about rania is when u start making me feel like crap. That's why i didnt bother to nurse her this morning when you ask me to.

When it's my turn to look after rania, i do everything on my own. U have no idea how hard it was on me coz my body is still in pain. But when u come back from work, i can see it from your face, the malasnyabiniaku look when you have to do stuff. Dah lah you like to polah keja sik sampei ke hujung. If you hang the clothes, baldi mesti tandah sia ajak. Mun mbak botol susu or mug to the room, akan tandah jak sia til next day or until i bring it to the kitchen. Things like this make me go mad coz i feel like your servant. I can't even rest for a while coz then i'll need to pick up where you left.

Here comes the questions
What have i put myself into?
Why do i end up like this?
Why can't we just keep on dating so things wont change.

I miss the guy that i fell in love to last time. This time last year, i remember feeling so blessed being married. I smile when i woke up in my dreams coz i see you sleeping next to me. But last night, all i do is fret and cry.

This is my first year milestone

Monday, November 12, 2012

Maybe separation might just be the answer.

Sik tauk lah ak knak rasuk ka apa but that thought keep on lingering in my head.

I want a separation from u. I cannot put up with u and ur family. U can have the baby. I wont fight for it. Take whatever u want. One day, i might just disappear