Dont get married

Now i finally get it. Why young married couple divorce easily. Why people always say patience is utmost important in a marriage. And remember how people always say 'the honeymoon year will be over before u know it'. Now i finally get it.

It is so stressful that i'll always be reminded that if you say something abt your marriage to other ppl, you will go to hell. Then how will i be okay if i can't share my thoughts and feelings. I know i know..u guys will say 'pa guna ada laki?' But what if the things u'll say might hurt him so you just want to share your burden with your friends so that they will try to give some advice to you and you'll end up feeling better and try to see your husband in another angle, No?

I feel so tormented right now. Last night i just could not sleep. All i do is fret. I wish to tell everyone not to get married or not to have a baby. Things will change. So far, i'm not liking it. Is this even normal? My self esteem is down to ZERO. Last night i bought a girdle size extra extra large, even the promoter was surprise. Going to a shopping mall is depressing coz i'll be observing skinny people and when i see fat ppl around, i'll feel good. See! That's not even healthy. Now i totally get it why husband is not interested to me anymore. It sucks that even my masseus says 'perut ko kdak kulit nangka' I do joke around about it but deep inside i just feel like crap.

I have become over sensitive about stuff. I just can't help it. I even feel jelous if husband doesnt give much attention to me and only to rania. Isn't it suppose to be the other way round. I am so confuse with myself. Even now, husband don't take me seriously when i complaint about my pains. He used to be very caring about this stuff when i was pregnant. Now, the baby is out, he just doesn't care.

I know u will argue with me on this but think it over. How many times have you stop and ask me sincerely about my pain when i suddenly have the sudden shock of pain? Zero. I'm the one who keep on explaining while you keep on playing with the baby. This morning, i make a thick face and ask you to apply pressure on my back and you said ' duduk lah' and i said ' i'll just lay flat' and guess what happen..u doze off! Omfg i was so pissed. Dah lah you snooze your phone when rania smells like poop. The reason why sometimes i just stop caring about rania is when u start making me feel like crap. That's why i didnt bother to nurse her this morning when you ask me to.

When it's my turn to look after rania, i do everything on my own. U have no idea how hard it was on me coz my body is still in pain. But when u come back from work, i can see it from your face, the malasnyabiniaku look when you have to do stuff. Dah lah you like to polah keja sik sampei ke hujung. If you hang the clothes, baldi mesti tandah sia ajak. Mun mbak botol susu or mug to the room, akan tandah jak sia til next day or until i bring it to the kitchen. Things like this make me go mad coz i feel like your servant. I can't even rest for a while coz then i'll need to pick up where you left.

Here comes the questions
What have i put myself into?
Why do i end up like this?
Why can't we just keep on dating so things wont change.

I miss the guy that i fell in love to last time. This time last year, i remember feeling so blessed being married. I smile when i woke up in my dreams coz i see you sleeping next to me. But last night, all i do is fret and cry.

This is my first year milestone