My journey ends here

I'm not gonna write in here anymore. Too many things that can't be mentioned here so i'll be writing somewhere else, privately.

Goodbye blogspot..

Back to work after birth

I just started working this week and let me tell you..it's hard.

I am struggling.

This is what i have been up to today..

Wake up
Shower
Pump
Iron working clothes
Prepare rania's bag for nursery
Wake husband up
Get dressed
Again wake husband up
Off to work
Caught in a jam for one hour
Work
Pump BM
Lunch
Work
Pump
Work
Go home
Stuck in the jam again for one hour plus
Finally arrived home
Play with rania+feed rania
Cook
Dinner
Clean the kitchen
Pump BM+ feed rania
Iron clothes
Prepare rania's bag
Shower(by now..it's already midnight)
Blogging

I iron the clothes and prepare rania 's bag in advance so hopefully i can sleep a little bit longer.


My eyes & brain is shutting down..


Nite

Life aku macam taik

How many times do i have to tell you ak bukan org gaji di rmh tok! Sakit hati tauk sik when i have to pick up where u left off. Not once, twice, ten times but every fucking time.

Mun berik mandik rania, just plainly berik mandik. Nasib juak tdk nampak jamban at least sik ngambo tp everything else sama jak. Lampu n pintu jamban sik tutup. Lampu bilit guest sik tutup. Lampu master bedroom sik tutup. Perlu ka aku jadi pengawas setiap kali ko polah keja. Ak serious fed up. Penat.

Klak mun sigek family dtg, aku juak knak putit suma benda. Mkn lamak mkn skt ati, mkn rs bencik tauk sik. Dah jak kau layan ak mcm apa jak nektok sik perlu ko mok tambah2 mcm tok.

Serious ak nait bencik!

Dont get married

Now i finally get it. Why young married couple divorce easily. Why people always say patience is utmost important in a marriage. And remember how people always say 'the honeymoon year will be over before u know it'. Now i finally get it.

It is so stressful that i'll always be reminded that if you say something abt your marriage to other ppl, you will go to hell. Then how will i be okay if i can't share my thoughts and feelings. I know i know..u guys will say 'pa guna ada laki?' But what if the things u'll say might hurt him so you just want to share your burden with your friends so that they will try to give some advice to you and you'll end up feeling better and try to see your husband in another angle, No?

I feel so tormented right now. Last night i just could not sleep. All i do is fret. I wish to tell everyone not to get married or not to have a baby. Things will change. So far, i'm not liking it. Is this even normal? My self esteem is down to ZERO. Last night i bought a girdle size extra extra large, even the promoter was surprise. Going to a shopping mall is depressing coz i'll be observing skinny people and when i see fat ppl around, i'll feel good. See! That's not even healthy. Now i totally get it why husband is not interested to me anymore. It sucks that even my masseus says 'perut ko kdak kulit nangka' I do joke around about it but deep inside i just feel like crap.

I have become over sensitive about stuff. I just can't help it. I even feel jelous if husband doesnt give much attention to me and only to rania. Isn't it suppose to be the other way round. I am so confuse with myself. Even now, husband don't take me seriously when i complaint about my pains. He used to be very caring about this stuff when i was pregnant. Now, the baby is out, he just doesn't care.

I know u will argue with me on this but think it over. How many times have you stop and ask me sincerely about my pain when i suddenly have the sudden shock of pain? Zero. I'm the one who keep on explaining while you keep on playing with the baby. This morning, i make a thick face and ask you to apply pressure on my back and you said ' duduk lah' and i said ' i'll just lay flat' and guess what happen..u doze off! Omfg i was so pissed. Dah lah you snooze your phone when rania smells like poop. The reason why sometimes i just stop caring about rania is when u start making me feel like crap. That's why i didnt bother to nurse her this morning when you ask me to.

When it's my turn to look after rania, i do everything on my own. U have no idea how hard it was on me coz my body is still in pain. But when u come back from work, i can see it from your face, the malasnyabiniaku look when you have to do stuff. Dah lah you like to polah keja sik sampei ke hujung. If you hang the clothes, baldi mesti tandah sia ajak. Mun mbak botol susu or mug to the room, akan tandah jak sia til next day or until i bring it to the kitchen. Things like this make me go mad coz i feel like your servant. I can't even rest for a while coz then i'll need to pick up where you left.

Here comes the questions
What have i put myself into?
Why do i end up like this?
Why can't we just keep on dating so things wont change.

I miss the guy that i fell in love to last time. This time last year, i remember feeling so blessed being married. I smile when i woke up in my dreams coz i see you sleeping next to me. But last night, all i do is fret and cry.

This is my first year milestone

Maybe separation might just be the answer.

Sik tauk lah ak knak rasuk ka apa but that thought keep on lingering in my head.

I want a separation from u. I cannot put up with u and ur family. U can have the baby. I wont fight for it. Take whatever u want. One day, i might just disappear

X sah kah mun aku sik nangis sehari d rmh tok.

Husband left us here with the witch and the lil bro. He is so mad with me right now coz i can't ignore her in this hse. First of all, this is NOT my house so of course i feel unwelcome and camne lah ak mok bermaharajalela ctok mcm dunia tok ak mpun when in fact THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. The thoughts of us under one roof is suffocating.

Do u think i would dare to go out feom this room? Do u think i would dare touch the food and drinks in the kitchen?

Started with angst but ended with excitement

Lom panas gk burit aku duduk di katil tok, ak dh rs mok chow! I hate being here. Call it post patrum blues or leftover hormon or confused hormon or whatever but i hate being here simply because it's not hygienic.

I do not like it when they let the cats roaming around the house. The fur is everywhere and they expect that i'm okay with them putting my precious baby on the sofa/bed without a nappy on it? Hell no!

I have nothing to do at this house so i have all the time to do my observation about the house so i know exactly what i'm talking about. Stuffs are everywhere. One time, i saw a banana skin on the sofa.

Suddenly i think about how am i going to survive having two families comibg over in december plus i'm going to move in to my new place andddd i'm having a baby. Oh god! Thinking of it makes me want to kill myself.

1. I feel like a non stop working maid whenever i have them around. I want my apartment to be neat and tidy all the time or else i go balistic. Therefore, i will always be in d kitchen cleaning the non stop mugs and plates. My house will look like a haunted house by d end of the day. And i'll be sleeping after midnight coz only then the washing will stop.

2. My mom is a shopaholic. Thus, we spend a lot of cash on unnecessary item that we'll prob only use once or twice a year.

3. She wants things to be in her way and as i said earlier on, i'll be moving into the new house and i would really appreciate it if things are placed according to how we want.

*update*
I've just discussed with the husband and we decided to pimp our apartment in 3 weeks time. And hopefully most of the work will be done before everyone arrives.

Things to do:
Wiring+plaster ceiling
Paint
Kitchen cabinet
Sofa
Dining table
Clothes dryer

Hmmm..this post ended with a positive vibe. All thanx to my dear husband

Slowly getting rid of post patrum blues

Ola..
I'm in kch and i'm so happy coz husband just arrived yesterday. We'll be here til this coming saturday. The not-so-awesome part is i'm having a fever this past few days so i hope i'll be okay by today.

I love waking up next to my beautiful baby and the love of my life. I feel so blessed!


Update on our new home
I feel so greatful Alhamdulillah. At first, we have to KIV on the kitchen cabinet, wiring, decoration and buying d furniture since the stamp duty and legal fees already cost us 10 grand! But things have changed thanx to a certain someone and i feel so blessed!


So as soon as i get back...we'll be shopping for the home stuff!!! I need to start my budget and hopefully i'll be spending less than what i have so that i have some savings for our family.

Penat melayan perasaan tok. Penat! Serious penat! I never knew it will lead to this. Now i feel like scrapping everything i said to my friends before which is 'dont get married if u dont have the heart of steel'

Tired

Life is extremely difficult to cope with at the moment. My body is not fully recovered yet. I am still 'handicaped' thus the frustration.

I guess my body is going to shut down if i don't go easy to myself. I'm having a slight fever and coughing but i try to not give way to it coz i need to BF rania and she needs my attention and love so i cant afford to be sick.

House works seem never ending and i really need to work extra hard to get things done.

Now i understand how relationship changes in marriage. It's all because of communication but sometimes you just dont feel like talking anymore cause the issue is not smth new. And you feel like talking is just a waste of time because it wont result in anything good so what you do is just continue woth your daily life and try to put everything at the back of your head and hope that you won't explode.

Ok off to second round of pumping.y head is spinning and i still have to take a shower, change rania to bedtime clothes and hopefully do another round of pumping insyaAllah. If i still have energy, i'll fold the clothes...

I wish i can be alone.

;(

Ya allah,
Pls give me strength. I can't go on feeling like this. My baby sik bersalah so why do i feel this way? Ya allah pls make this feeling go away. I can hate everyone except for my baby.

Ya allah,
Give me strength to go through this day. One step at a time.

Ya allah,
I beg u for a faster recovery. I hate having to rely/depend on other ppl. I hate having to boss my husband around. I hate how he needs to do every single/tiny thing for me.

Ya allah,
Pls don't make me fall into depression. I know i love my baby and i know i love my husband and i know i should be grateful with everything that i have.

Ya Allah,
Pls strengthen my iman and taqwa

Amin

Post patrum depression

Some days I feel ok some days i feel down. Most days are a mixture of both.
Today I forgot that it's my husband's birthday. I lost the track of time and I didn't wish him last night. This morning i look at his incoming watsapp and I saw his lil sis wish. Then i check the date, it says 25th. I was shocked coz i did plan smth but now it's no use since i wont have the time to do anything. When i wish him HB, he said 'ur the last person to wish me'. That broke my heart.

Last night was a bad night for me and to wake up to this? Last night, i have the thoughts of running away. I'm tired. I don't know whether all new mothers experience this. I do most of the things on my own.

This is sad...too sad...i think i might need help before i go into depression.

I said go awayy

Honestly i dont feel like talking to anyone. I ignore every phone call, every text that i get coz i dont want to talk abt why i havent deliver yet.

Even worst, i do not want to talk to my bestie becoz i just couldn't focus on anyone else except myself. U can say i'm selfish. I dont care. I'm going through a hard time right now. Deling with my emotions and physical being, i do not want to listen to anyone love life. You can call me anytime but now. Not now. Coz i have bigger thing in my head.

I'm really sorry

Pls go away

I am stressed out with ppl keep texting/calling/facebooking/watsappingn etc..asking whether or not i have delivered. I'm stressfull enough that the baby refuse to come out and my due date is tomorrow.

I have been crying for the past few days due to the fear of giving birth. This morning, i tried to educate myself with the process of child birth and in a way, it kinda help me go through this. What i learn is always control the breathing and don't let yourself be panic. I'll try to do that tomorrow during the check up. InsyaAllah..

Update :)

Lamak dh x update blog tok..so here it goes...

Bismillahirahmanirahim

At the moment i'm 39 weeks 5 days so soon i'm gonna hit 40 weeks and the baby is still safely tuck in my tummy.

Last friday, i had a slight fever, flu and cough so i did my check up just to make sure the baby is ok. That day, the doc decided to break my mucus plug. It was a bad experience for me and i will cry everytime i think back.

Anyway, i have a BIG news to say here..

Husband and I decided to buy our own apartment! We did scout a few apartments but we did not like it as much as we love our current apartment so we decided to buy one just on the upper level! Alhamdulillah, the price is under our budget and insyaAllah we can save a lot of money on the moving cost since we do not have to higher movers or trucks. Alhamdulillah...

Time's up!
Gonna watch a movie with my dear syg ;)

You are awesome and i love u A LOT!!

Maysaa clearance sale

I spend like crazyyy this two days. I'm the kind of person who is very hard to please especially with shopping BUT when I find bargains, I will make sure I get my butt there and buy it straight away.

First was the cotton on cardigan. I bought TWO for rm30!! And they have further discount 30% so i ended up paying rm21 only!! At that time i was contemplated to buy 2 long sleeve for only rm42 after the discount! Buttt i didn't. I keep on thinking for dayssss about the long sleeve shirt so i finally bought it yesterday at the curve but sadly the discount has ended so i have to pay for the promotional price only which is rm60 for 2 long sleeve ;(

Then came MAYSAA

Everyone of my friend would know how much I love wearing the Maysaa snood scarf coz i wear it ALL THE TIME. so this weekend they made a clearance sale! I didn't get to go yesterday since mummy is here so I went there today with syg after my weekly check up. I was praying hardddd that I won't deliver today coz this is my last chance to grab the cheap scarvesss. I'll post the pic of my haulsss and rrust me I'm really broke now.


But it was worth it!

Bodoh sombong

Kau tok eh. Ndak alah2 nak pass keja ngan org. Benda yg ko blh plh kedirik, pakei lah otak oooo. Org lain eh byk gk keja nak dplh. Ko nganok org pass keja tp ko kedirik sm jak lah. Ak honestly x tauk gne ko leh dpt degree. Ka otak ko still rah U nektok, x diembak blt? Ak nang stress mun plh keja ngan kau. Suka berlagak pandei tp x pandei

Result of graduate mala kenak spoon fed

Bencik na juak ompuan tok eh. Dhlah lembab. Semua mok org ajar sigek2. Sikpat ka pakei otak pk dikpun. Maka ada degree x kan excel x pandei pakei nak? Polah graph besa jak pun.

Dah ak mok tlg ko polah keja, kau gik malas nak berik info mena2 ngan aku pasya buang masa aku jak dr pagi polah keja tok. Cam sial jak aku rasa. Klaka cam tambi berbelit2. Camya lah graduate mun mala spoon feed dr skolah. Otak ad tapi sik pakei. Membazir jak.

Strength is all i need

Ya Allah

Pls give me strength to do all the house works. I need to get it all done before the baby arrive. I wouldn't have time to do all this when she comes. I'm going crazy soon. I'm almost 38 weeks but i still have to do all this. Maybe I do need a maid afterall ;(

I really can't depend on anyone elae except myself ;( this is really depressing.

Cherating

Husband just went to work and now i'm enjoying the breakfast on my own. Once in a while, i do enjoy this kind of treatment. Got out from the buzzling city of KL and just having some quiet time elsewhere.

I'm praying hard that I get another two day off from the doc coz I know I'll be soo tired when I go back to KL tonight.
I am going to enjoy every last moment in cherating since i know that this is the last time i can enjoy a quiet piece of mind.

Guess where I'm at?!

Cherating bebehhhhhh

I wish my husband is P.Ramlee

I just cleaned the kitchen and toilet. After this i'll be doing the laundry. My back hurts like hell now. Husband doesn't dare to come near me as he knows i am so damn pissed about him working outstation tomorrow.

Deep in my heart, i'm feeling a bit frustrated coz he doesn't seem to be bothered on me doing all the hard works. Which made me wonder, does he really care about me? I mean..i could have fall while cleaning the toilet or i might cut myself while washing the dishes. I keep on reminding myself, he is a guy and you can't expect much from a guy.

The thing that annoys me is when i want to do things on my own pace, and then he'll come over to rush me. Though i know, he meant to help but when i told him to stop helping me..he'll be mad. But whenever i ask help from him, his face, reaction, gestures are so forced like. That is why i prefer to do everything on my own.

He's not bothered at all about having heaps of dish in the sink. He doesn't bothered about the toilet is dirty since he just cleaned it last week. I mean c'mon..do u want to clean it once a month? For me, i can't. I'd like to keep my kitchen as clean as possible coz i hate ants, cockcroach and mice! So to avoid them, i keep my kitchen as clean as possible. I hate dirty toilet becoz the floor is slippery and i can fall if i'm not careful plus i hate sitting on the moulded bowl!

Therefore, i have no choice but to make sure that its clean.

I feel so annoyed! Period!

37 weeks

Why did I put myself in this position in the first place. I have no one else to blame but myself. I don't have the patience like my cousins whose husband are always away. One of them work as a navy and another one is based elsewhere. It's painful to be left all the time and be notified a day or hours before he left.

It sucks to be in this place. No matter where you work, the job scope is still the same. I feel like i've been alone most of the time during this pregnancy and it was a rare opportunity that I get to spend the whole weekend with him. I felt so loved and I love having him around but now he's leaving again and today i'm already 37 weeks.

He kept on telling me that the last job is gonna be his last job and he's aint going anywhere but again and again, he breaks his promise.

I honestly don't know what to believe in anymore. I feel so ashamed on begging to my friends to accompany me at home. This time, i won't beg for anyone. If I were to deliver this baby on my own, so be it. I have a feeling that I will be raising my kids on my own, most of the time. Just like all his collegue's wife.

I have to be strong, mentally and physically. If there is one person i should blame on is myself.

Pregnancy Update

I'm almost at the end of 36 weeks of pregnancy and next tuesday I'll be celebrating 37 weeks! It means that my baby is already full term and if I were to deliver the baby, she won't be considered as premie. Weee ;)))))

Now i'm feeling the normal back pain, the needs to pee all the time. But the worst part is my pelvic pain. I am a bit unlucky to experience this pain since not every woman experinces this ;( oh well, life goes on...

I am soooo looking forward to see my daughter! Everything is almost ready. We'll be doing the last cycle of laundry, buy hangers for her clothes. We'll be going to sogo either today or tomorrow coz I heard a big sale of sweet cherry things. Perfecto! I'm hoping to score some bargains on baby carrier and stroller! InsyaAllah...

Husband is here next to me! He looks adorable when he sleeps. It melts my heart but ONLY when he doesnt snore! Hahahha. I love him so much and I feel so greatful to have him as my husband. All these time when he's at home, he has been such a sweetheart. Massaging me when I'm in pain, hugging me when i cry for not knowing how to ease the pain, constantly showerin me with kisses when i get ready to go work or just whenever i'm around him. I pray that everyone of you get the same treatment like i do from your partner because it is soooo wonderful to feel truly in love by someone who really loves you.

Enough of my giwangness...
Happy saturday!

Where is the love?

I miss doing charity works. I feel like I've been too busy with my so called "life" til I forgot about the less fortunate people.

What can I do for the orphans?
What should I do for the OKU?
How can I help the homeless people?

Although their reputation has been tainted by the media but they are really needy people out there who needs our help, love and support. It saddens me that there are less people who cares and couldn't be bothered on ways to help these people and that includes me ;(

Another loser I call my friend

It 9.49am and it's too early for me to be mad but I couldn't help myself frm being angry. I ain't two face bitch so if i'm mad at you, I cannot hide my face be nice to you.

Honestly, I cant look at your face what else to say talking to you.

Let me calm myself after knowing a new fact about you and MAYBE things will be okay.

I can never be sincere to you at least for this few days.

Syg blt cepatttt so that i can cry on your shoulder ;(

Nursing clothes

Why do they sell nursing clothes mahal gila??? Most prolly i'll be wearing tube tops, halter top and cardigan during nursing.

Bestnya nangga org lain sentiasa ada suami di sisi cdak. Jelous rs ati. Walaupun diam d apartment kecik tok pun terasa dh mun diam sorg. Nektok dh nak pkl 8pm tapi si dia blm gk blt m esok pagi2 nya dh chow ke terengganu. Honestly x tauk lah apa dipk nya mok glak g awal. Kononnya dpt plh ati tok nyaman. Tp lepas tauk nya pg mkn awal, hati tok makin membara. Puas dh semua perkataan x bgs disebut, type and dlm ati. X tauk lah mk jadi ibu mithali gne tok.

Mcm2 terlintas dlm palak tdk. Tek nang panas juak lah rs ati when kwn ku madah ' u should have expected this from him'. Rs ku nak hentak palak nya rah lantei jak wpun nya best friend ak kedirik. Cuba mun ktk org rah tempat aku, gne ktk org rs. Mun stakat nyebut ya nang nyaman, tp ak yg rs. Ak yg pregnant. Ak yg mala ditinggal laki. Aku yg rs skt ada anak dlm perut tok.

Gne ak nak pk positif. X pat eh. Dh laki ak nang suka keja tok. Mun nya nak mukak bisness, siang malam palak nya ke lain. Lamak2 klak ak tok jadi wallpaper jak. Nektok pun apa diklaka aku mala jak nya polah bodo mun nya dlm dunia nya mpun. Terasa gila aku doe.

For the first time ak rs ak xxxxxx. Slamak dkat nak setaun ak nikah, x pernah ak rs gia tp tok lah kali pertama. Nang nguji kesabaran aku juak kali tok.

Tell me how much more I need to take? People keep on telling me to have some patience. Do they even know what's the meaning of patience. Tomorrow I'm gonna be 36 weeks into the pregnancy meaning that, I am 9 months pregnant. By the end of the week, I am considered as full term but the sad part is I am still living as a single.

I am so sad, angry and disappointed the whole day and it took me three times longer to do the programme. I keep on making stupid mistakes over and over again. I can't focus.

Husband is leaving tomorrow and he told me that he'll be back on thursday. I know one thing for sure that he will always leaves on time but barely comes back on the day he is supposed to.

I feel so depress living like this. What's the difference if I were to deliver in kuching?

Tomorrow, I'll be going to do my check up alone after work. I'm not gonna wait for husband to be around because my baby's health is more important now. It's a struggle for me to move around due to the pelvic pain. Even lifting a leg is excruciating for me. I feel like screaming on top of my lungs. I feel so alone and I am so scared. Thinking back about that night when I was in pain scares me. I don't want to go through that again.

Why am I in this situation? I dont have any option but to go on and try to live. I feel like giving. I'm so down right now i feel like killing myself.

Look whose back!

Window shopping

I went to sunway pyramid after work with mila coz i'm dying for a window shopping. I have been looking for handbags online for days now and i just can't wait to lay my hands on the real thing.

In the end i bought a bought a bag from Aldo ;))))))))))
The funny thing was, i wanted to buy coach at first but in the end, i didn't coz i don't like it the real world but i might gonna get the wristlet. It was gorgous!

Husband called this morning for 10 mins! I was happy to hear his voice early in the morning but he seems too eager to speak and i felt like as if he's ignoring what I have to say. At the end of the conversation, i felt mad because I needed him last night but he's not here and when I want to tell him what happen last night, he keeps on asking abt smth else instead of listening. Like as if his brain is still stuck in his own conversation. I am so pissed off right now.

He'll be calling me again later to update abt his current job status. This is his last job. No way i'm gonna say yes for the next job. What the hell was i thinking last time. Money is not as important as him being here with me. Besides, we got it all covered now and we still have leftovers for the arriving of the baby. So no more offshore til next yr!

Friend+Malay= hard to find

I HATE BEGGING. Mmg xda genuine friend gk ka in this world? Do we have to beg like crazy for favours?

Another thing is I hate it how pessimistic malay can be some time. It's annoying.

Skt perut

It's 2.50am I was awake by a sharp pain i felt on my tummy on the lest side. It was so painful. I change sides pun still skt. Then I try peeing and now i'm just sitting on the bed coz I don't know what to do. I'm scarred. I honestly thought of driving myself to te hospital but I thought, if the pain still persist til morning i would go there. But thats like another 5 hours!

I honestly thought just now, is this THAT moment? what am i gonna do? I need my husband right now. Ya Allah ya tuhanku...;(

I miss u husband ;(

I miss husband soooo much til it made me played the guitar. U have no idea how rare it is for me to hold the guitar. Plus having a big tummy make it a bit hard to hold it still.

Ya Allah ya tuhanku,
Tabahkanlah hati kami
Berikanlah perlindungan kepada kami
Rahmatilah hubungan kami
Berikan ketenangan dlm hati kami dlm dugaan ini

Ya Allah
I miss my husband so much and I pray for his safety. I hope he is doing fine over there and I pray that he'll be home soon. I am honestly worried because today, I am 35 weeks pregnant and I'm all alone at home. If anything were to happen to me, i have no idea how it will end. I pray for the safety of my baby and I. I pray that when the time comes for the delivery, husband will be there by my side. Ya Allah, I miss my husband so much. Being away from him is so hard because I love being around him. I know I married the right guy. I can never get enough of him. Every weekend or hols with him is precious to me. We laugh at silly jokes. Staring at each others eyes. Kissing randomly at home or even when we go out. Holding hands, sharing/stealing food. Oh how i miss all that. Throughout my pregnancy, he has been so sweet to me. He tried his best to help and comfort my sensitive preggy mode.

I feel like crying now. I miss him! The last time I heard frm him was at 9am and that phone call was less than 5 mins. Now it's 12am and still no news frm him. I guess the next call will be at tomorrow morning.

This is so hard on me and I honestly dont know how much longer i can keep up with this lifestyle. I keep on asking myself, why did i end up falling in love with a guy who works in oil and gas industry. Why?!

I want my husband to be here ;(

No one is in my department at the moment. Boss is out having tender interview, lay is having meeting at the site, mila and wani is going to mandarin oriental for site visit. Therefore, i'm the only one at the office. Boring nya rs...ngantokkk

Handbag story

I've been searching for coach bags for the past two nights. Afterling hours of researh, i will prob buy other brand like fossil n etc. Simply because I dont want to use my hard earn cash on bags that might not be authentic. The prices in the boutiques are just wayy too expensive than in US. So sadly to say that i guess i'll just survey the bags, the old fashion way ;)

Petronas sucks!

Ya Allah

Sedih nya rs ati nektok. Husband just called and he said that he has just arrived at the platform!!! And now is 11.50!!! I was shocked! He was supposed to leave tomorrow coz his job was supposed to finish today.

He also told me just now that he might have to stay there longer coz there are other platform that is still under shutdown so they can work there. I am sooo mad because based on the schedule, it says the job is only for two days!! Omg i feel like applying job to petronas so that i can take over the planner coz obviously he suck! At least i would do a great job by actually giving an effort to understand the job scope!

Husband can only talk for 10 mins since there are many ppl in line waiting for the public phone as well. I asked him to get some info from whoever joker in charge over there and update me again tonight.

As for the cherry on top, husband said that there might be a possibility where there is no means if communication at the other platform. Damn it!!! I just want this nightmare to end

I want to end this friendship!

I am done with friends who take advantage of me. If you're one of the list below, consider yourself as not in my contact list anymore.

1. Friends with benefit
When you need some favour, the first person you'll dial is me coz u know i won't say NO.

2. I'm-with-my-bf-so-pls-go-away
I don't know whether i'm cursed or what but i'm always friends with this type of ppl. Surprisingly one of my bestest friend has become like this and honestly i don't know what to say. Before this ppl say 'u dont know how it feels coz u aint got any bf duhhh' but now i have a HUSBAND and i cant still spend time with my friendssssss duhhhhh.

If ur one of the above, pls f@&£ off coz i don't need u in my life!

BYE!

Assembling Avent Breastpump

What have been up to tonight?

I learn on the operations of the breastpump and let me tell you, it was complicated at first but as soon as i got the hang of it...my milk starting to leak. I guess the fun of assembling thr pump trigger my hormon to produce milk!

I gave it a try using the electric pump but nothing came out and when i read the pamplet that came with the box, it says that it's normal not to get any milk from the first few pumps. The i tried using the manual and this time, it was painful!!! And i saw some milk being pump so most probably i didn't assemble the pump tightly when i operate it using electric. My nipple is quite sore now. If you wanna know how it feels, try pinching your nipple. That is exactly how it feels like!

I'm glad that i'm doing it now rather than later coz at least i won't have to stress myself learning on how to use the pump. So here are the mess that I have made!

Some day..

Husband just called and suddenly i just broke down. I couldn't hold my tears although i've promised him not to cry this time. I just can't bare not being able to contact him while his in the boat. It worries me! I'll be paranoid about the weather and a lot of other stuff. I'll have to keep reminding myself that he'll be back soon. A few more days and i'll be sleeping next to him again. I love it when he hugs me tightly when he sleeps. Okay enough being melodramatic..husband wants me to occupy myself and not be depressed while his gone so i will do my best to distract myself.

Things to do:
Prepare dinner
Put the folded clothes in the wardrobe
Iron tomorrow's work attire
Solat
Learn how to use the pump
Try to sleep early!

Well i wanted to blog about my wish list in the first place so this is what i want!

A new handbag and shades!! I might just drop by at fossils and see what they have. At least it's under my budget ;)

Gift from grandMAMA

Hello..hello

It's been a while since I last blog using my laptop and this time I have too since I have heapss of pics to upload! MIL just came back from UK and she bought A LOT OF STUFFS!!! If you don't believe me, then take a look at the pics below ;)

LOOK AT WHAT GRANDMAMA BOUGHT!!! I was speechless when I see all this!

Let us take a look at what's inside the boxes!I would like to start with the feeding bottles. Guess how many she bought!

Not 1....
 



Not 2!!!!

12 Tommee Tippee 260ml/9fl oz of feeding bottles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avent Single Electric Breastpump =))))))

This is what's inside the box!

The best part about this pump isssss it can be used with batteries or I can even convert it to a manual pump! How awesome is that! The pump came with 1 newborn teat travel pack, 1 sealing disc (for milk storage), 1 disposable breast pads starter pack and 1 spare valve.

Granmama bought another 3 feeding bottles of 125 ml/ 4oz!!!

That is a grand total of 15 feeding bottles!!!!!!! I am soooo going to be a milk factory soon. InsyaAllah ;)

Bottle brush =)

The big brush is of course for cleaning the bottle and the pink tip is for cleaning the teat! AWESOME!!!

 

If you think the feeding bottles is A LOT, you have to see the clothes that grandmama bought!


Clothes to wear during the day =)))


3-6 months

6-9 months

9-12 months

This is for her night wear =)

0-3 months

3-6 months

6-9 months

9-12 months

THAT IS A GRAND TOTAL OF 27 PCS OF CLOTHES!!! OMG!!! Mummy is soooo greatful!!! To top it of, grandmama bought this cuteeee cinderella shoe for baby to wear when she goes out shopping with mummy klak! Alhamdulillah...syukur ya Allah.




Alhamdulillah...I have completed buying all the stuff in my baby list and now all I have to do is just wait for the day =) This is the last few weeks before the baby pops out, insyaAllah. Therefore, I have to start doing the laundy, assemble the baby cot and just put everything in place. Plus, preparing my hospital bag =) InsyaAllah everything will be done on time =)


Dear husband,
I hope you're happy with this post and I can't wait for you to come back home. See you on wednesday, InsyaAllah ;) I MISS YOU!!!

Tanamera Post Natal Care Set

My post natal care set has just arrived. Dear husband went to concorde today to buy it! He doesn't believe in online shopping. I'm soooo excited abt it! I have done heaps of research on which post natal care set is best for me and tanamera fits the best. It's good for mommy who would like to breastfeed their child and it's very simple. All you have to do is drink the herbal tea for 14 days and then your done! It might be slightly expensive than other care set but i know myself. I won't have the determination to gulp all the capsule or herb drinks few times a day for 40/60 consecutive days.

Here are some photos!

I am much cooler than u

Note to self:

No matter how tired or crappy I feel that day, I MUST drive myself to work. NO EXCUSE!!

Last day in kch

I have a few hours left in kch and i'm rushing here and there to get things done.

1. Attend zhuleikha's wedding.
2. Change the car modulator at spring
3. Buy sotong merah at hopoh
4. Bring our hopefully dry clothes from sepul's place.

Cun juak aritok hari mendung so there's no way for our clothes kerong but thank god my in law have the drier so we just chuck our clothes in the drier.

Btw ika look soooo gorgous today. I'm so touched that she still remembers me. We're only close during primary school and never kept in touch after that but sadly i look twice her size.

Rs mok jerit, nangis suma ad. Mok luah perasaan tok tp x blh kelak berdosa bukak aib org. Sedih...ya jak dpt dipadah. Ego mala jak paksa ngkah ke tepi sbb mun x mengalah, sampei bila2 pun akan bermasam muka. Pregnant tok nang mala nangis ajak2. Hati tok sik tauk lah gne nya blh thn lamak2 tok.

Sik mampu mok tgk muka sapa2 nektok. Happy gilak dpt ngeram dlm bilit sorg2. Rindu ms zaman dolok. Diam dlm dunia dikpun dlm bilit..

Marriage is hardcore. It's not always sunny every day. When it does, things are easy. The one that we should be concern of is during rainy days. That are the times when you feel like "i can't deal with this stuff". "Where is the escape route".

Most of the time it can be both sunny and rainy.

But at the moment, it's a gloomy day for me. I pray that i am given the strength to be strong.

Paknek

It's the 3rd of syawal today!

It's been a crazy ride so far. Paknek got his second stroke yesterday at noon and i was told this morning that he is going to be discharged today because apparently some ppl dh "pasrah". I feel like shaking them and ask them "what is wrong with you ppl. He is not dead yet! Let the dr do his job and we'll see how it goes frm there" argh annoying..

Btw i think i've gained double! Sooo scary mk nangga weighing scale. Now i just wanna eat all the time!

Sick and tired

I need to burst this soon before i go insane.

Remember the day when i just locked up in my room and i didn't wanna meet anyone, you said "............"

Now i want you to take a good look pf your advice and try to apply it.

All this time, i have tried my very best to be the best. You on the other hand just got lucky coz you don't have to try since you are well liked from the very beginning. But it doesnt mean that you can take things for granted.

I will just keep quiet from no on. I guess you're happier when i stop nagging.

I am so tired of being tired! Ya Allah pls give me strength for all these

Last day of ramadhan 2012

Sukanya hati dpt tido n cuddle2 dgn suami. Bahagia tauk x!

This is my first raya as a wife :) insyaAllah next yr, i'll celebrate raya as a mommy.

I feel so blessed!

;(

I felt a sense of calmness after washing the toilet all by myself. It felt like a huge achievement because i did everything on my own without having to ask for help. Though the level of cleanliness is only satisfactory, i'm still proud of it.

Whenever i see things that are messy, it can trigger a bad aura inside me and if i wasn't in a good mood, that thing can just make me go berzerk. Even the smallest thing like seeing dirty sink can just make me go WTF!! So what i'll do is i'll just straight clean the things that need to be cleaned.

Today is just another bad day for me. Work sucks coz it's boring now. I'm thinking of going to consultancy so that i can learn back my design. Though the pay will be the same like now but at least i get to brush up my 'engineering' background. Developer is smth that i would like to do later but the pay is very attempting. As for oil and gas, i dont really favour much coz i know ntg abt it. The only thing that interest me is the pay and maybe the challenge ahead of me if i go in this line.

On pregnancy update:

I have been having gastric and heart burn everyday since monday. Up until now i have not fasted for four days. My back pain is a bit bearable since i have been sleeping on a foam mattress. Baby is growing bigger and bigger and moving very active in my belly.

There are a few things that bothers me at the moment but i dont know how to spell it out. All i can say is i'm hurt mentally and physically. At times like this, i really would like to remind myself how grateful i should be because there are many people out there whose not as fortunate as me. Only Allah knows what is in my heart.

I'm gonna private my blog soon..

Life

I hate nagging. It makes me feel like i'm my mom. When i was young, i hate it when my mom nags and after some time i learnt her ways with things and i have become accustom to it. Hence, when i see things that is not in their original place, i will nag.

I feel sorry for ze husband having the kind of wife that always nag. And having a kid later on, it will be messy and honestly i don't know how i'm gonna cope up with cleaning all the mess.

On other story, i have been coming to work late for the past few weeks. I have no desire to go to work. My mind is always elsewhere when i'm at the office. I dont get the satisfaction that i used to feel before. At the moment, i'm working on a tender for the new branch for MMU. Although it's a tough tender, i dont have the drive to do my work. All think or care about is becoming a mom and having to spend time at home with my daughter. I even think about quitting my job and find a job that is more flexible. I miss doong charity work. I miss working late for an event. I miss being passionate about something. Now my life is just -___-

Sad isn't it? Well this is one of the phase in my journey...

Btw i'm just 24...

31 weeks

Wah lmk dh x update blog tok...

Alhamdulillah..so far puasa ok. I only break fast twice during the first week o ramadhan. My tummy wasn't used to it so sakit peruttttt jak. But now alhamdulillah, things are going smoothly so far.

I have a new DIY project coming up. I'm revamping my shawls. Nowadays, the shops are selling tudung at sky rocket price so i was thinking that might as well i just give it a try and do myself. I'll be buying some laces as well to do some patches. I am sooo excited! Wish me luckkkk

Update on my cupcake and being preggie:

My stretch mark is going haywire. It's creeping across my tummy, waist, thigh, boobies and even behind my knee. I get so frustrated whenever i see this. I wonder will I ever be beautiful after giving birth. Next issue is on sleep. My back, tummy and pelvic area hurts whenever i try to sleep. It is soooo hard to change from one side to one side! I will feel semput everytime i make this transition! Especially when i was lying flat on my bed. This transition needs to be in slow mode or else u feel like i will break my bones.

Now the baby part!
She is awesome awesome awesome. Moves rapidly inside my tummy and that made me feel good coz i know she's doing fine inside my tummy. Seems interested with my job coz everytime there is a discusion, she'll placed herself towards the surface of my tummy. As if she's listening too!

Last night before i sleep, she was acting up and giving me discomfort. Rupa2nya i forgot to read biography rasullulah to her! While reading the book, she moves again but this time it doesnt hurt. Instead, she seems interested. So after two pages (i was tired), we both fell asleep..

9 weeks to go!!!!

SIL

I think i'm such a good actress. It seems like i can cover my feelings very well. I feel so tormented having to keep this to myself coz i know the consequences of sharing this with you.

I give up on being nice. I am finally accepting that no matter what i do or say will not change anything. I know this will be hard for me at first. But later on, I'll get used to it.

Urgh..pls dont cry anymore ;(

;(

I dont know what I did wrong in the past that made you change. I have tried to be nice to you but it seems like no matter what I do, you will still dislike me. So what should I do?

I'm at the point where i'll just stop trying. I give up. This is who I am and the only person i know how to be is myself. If you dont want to talk to me, fine! If you want to ignore my presence whenever i'm around, fine! Fine fine fine!!!!!

I honestly feel like strangling you right now coz i hate how you make me feel bad about myself.

Baby story

2/8/2012

Mummy can feel your growing bigger and stronger. When mummy woke up thus morning, mummy was surprised that you have moved to the upper part of mummy's abdomen. It seems like baby wants to cuddle with mummy.

What a way to start the day!
:)

I've been ditched again!

As I grow up, i find that true friends are hard to find. Sometimes, even people that you call a friend could change as time passes by.

I guess that is a painful fact that i have to accept. I'm very grateful that i will always have somebody by my side and that is sepul and also this cute cupcake that is growing inside me.

Friends come and go but family will always stay together through thick and thin.

I love youuuu

Dear husband,

I cannot find a way to describe how much i love you and grateful i am to have you as my husband. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed us with our daughter that I am carrying right. I'm sure we're going to shower her with so much love!

I love love love you syg!!

U're finally up for subuh..weeee now i can hug u after the prayer!

Adopting baby

Husband reminded me abt smth that i've always wanted to do. He asked whether or not i still want to adopt a kid and i said absolutely! While i'm still breastfeeding my baby later, i would like to adopt another kid so that i can be the baby's ibu susu. Therefore, we will all be mahram!

I think i would like to adopt a boy! But one thing for sure is I would want the baby to know his biological parents.

Noobbb

The thing that i love most is when ze husband hugs me when we're sleeping but the thing that i hate most is his snores that came along. I just cant sleep when his snores is next to my ear.

What an irony right?

I helped ze husband with his evaluation and he said that i'm a strict teacher since i keep on shoosh-ing him whenever he talks while i'm thinking..

On other news..today was a noob driving day for ze husband. He picked me up from work today and the first thing he said was 'kunci ya stuck, sik pat cabut' so i said calm down and i tried to start the car and turn it off but when i try to pull the key out, it was still stuck. Then i tried doing the same thing again and once more, the key was stuck. Thennnnn i checked the gear!!! Oh boy...it was on neutral! Of course lah xpat cabut!!! Noob abis my husband eh..hahaahah

Then, we stop over at shell for maghrib prayer. When we wanted to leave, he went to Drive instead of reverse! Noobbb..

And finally was the parking..seriously i think a motorcycle can even park at the back of our car!


I will love you anyway...

I love u husband

Alhamdulillah..dah 2 ari berjaya puasa. Today is the first time i will puasa at work. Hopefully everything runs smoothly.

I am suppose to sleep but syg is sleeping 'soundly' next to me. Hence, x pat mok tdo but in a way, it reminded me that no matter what he does concious or unconciously..i will still love him anyway. Recently he has formed a new habit which is hitting me in his sleep. The first two times, i was pissed like mad. Bygkan ur having a nightmare and when i wanted to hug him for comform but suddenly 'spat!'.

But i still love him anyway coz when he is wide awake, he is the sweetest cotton candy u'll ever have. Constantly hugging and kissing, give me massages whenever i'm in pain or not and all the manjak2 thing lah.

I really2 love my husband and having him around is ohsemmmm

Rezeki!

6 minutes left for iftar. Alhamdulillah I've managed to fast today without any complication. Baby is acting very good today and she only kick a few times so alhamdulillah both baby and I survived our first day puasa together.

I'm actually blogging next to ze hisband and he's trying hard not to peep. He just bought me a present! An old time favvvv perfume, blue ralph lauren. Alhamdulillah..rezeki and the we're gonna have dinner at manhattan fish market tonight! Alhamdulillah murah rezeki..

Rezeki!

6 minutes left for iftar. Alhamdulillah I've managed to fast today without any complication. Baby is acting very good today and she only kick a few times so alhamdulillah both baby and I survived our first day puasa together.

I'm actually blogging next to ze hisband and he's trying hard not to peep. He just bought me a present! An old time favvvv perfume, blue ralph lauren. Alhamdulillah..rezeki and the we're gonna have dinner at manhattan fish market tonight! Alhamdulillah murah rezeki..

!!

I hate it whenever he drives during jam. It is a big mistake for me to let him drive. It was tiring for me coz i drove for an hour already from the office to back home. That is why i pet hom drive but boy that was a foolish thing to do.

It drives me nuts when he keeps on pressing brake at the very last minute. He is very very impatient when it comes to driving and he'll have to make me mad and raise my voice and only then he'll stop brake and speed like mad! Argh

Mother in law

Having a heart to heart chat with the MIL. It's weird that i'm closer to MIL than my own mom especially talking about pregnancy. It's easier to talk to MIL about everything whether it's the difficulties during pregnant or the excitement of every detail on pregnancy to her.

I am so lucky her as my MIL. I pray that all my friends will have an awesome MIL like I do!

Baby nursery

The husband started his project on the baby nursery as soon as he has his tools and painted the first coat of the wall on his very first night at home. I was a bit bumped at first coz i thiught we would be cuddling and lovey dovey that night. Thanx to the new book i just bought, it took my mind away and boyyy i had fun reading!

I cant wait to shop baby stuff again with ze husband so that the room will be completed before the baby arrives.

I'll be going to see my doctor after work tonight! And we'll doing detailed scan and i am going to see my baby in 3D!! I pray that the baby will show her cute face on screen tonight, insyaAllah..

I'm up at 5am

I woke up from my sleep because baby keep on moving inside. I quickly took my husband hand and put it on my belly. In my heart i told my baby to kick or move so that daddy can feel you like i always do and of course my cute little cupcake did as i told and hubby woke up from his sleep and we just laughed.


Times like this will make mummy miss the feeling of you inside my tummy. 3 more months to go before i mummy gets to hold you in my arms. I love u baby..

Chinese dialect

I recalled smth abt last night. My sabahan friends were surprised to see how i can understand what they're talking about even when they speak mandarin. It's obvious tjat we haven't seen each other in ages and another thing is when nonong made fun of my language, i straight away felt offended and that is exactly like the good all times.

It's funny how may tested me in various dialect that night at johnny's. She speaks in mandarin, cantonese and hokkien and then asked me what she was crapping about and i guessed it all right. Hahah..i can guess it right since her vocab in cantonese and hokkien is very limited...hahah


Anywhoos...i miss having to guess what my friends are talking about...weird but true.


I soooo cant wait for husband to xome home tomorrow!!!! Yeeepeeee yeaaa

Fun weekend!

I had an awesome weekend with one of my bestfriend who came all the way to penang. We spend most of the time at home, chilling at my couch and be fat pigs coz we couldn't stop eating. It felt really good to have some company at home and i absolutely love spending time at home.

Both of us were a bit lazy to go out since it takes too much effort to get our butt off the couch. But on the last day she was here, we went to solaris dutamas to chill with another good friend of ours, mr edward.

Good friends and good food are the best combination ever. Time pass by so fast and now i'm on my desk at the office. I'm so bored at the moment co my boss haven't checked my work so i have nothing to do at the moment.

Husband is coming home tomorrow insyaAllah and i pray that he has a safe journey. I can't wait to give him a biggggg hug with my hugeee belly. I miss my husband soooo much.

Btw najwa just text me and she reminded on our sushi date tomorrow. Yeeehaaaa...another good friend and good food day ahead.


Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for surrounding me with amazing people.

It's hard to be mad at you..

Okay..everything is settled. This is the first time that we actually settle the prob on the same night. Looks like husband has learnt his lesson. Thank YOU! I really appreciate it.

Living far from each other is hardcore. I dont know how much longer i can stand this torture. I love my husband so so much and it breaks my heart to be apart from him.

If u read this blog, it seems like we have a love hate relationship. In reality we're just like other couple. We fight and we make up afterwards. Most ppl think that we never fight but now u can see it here how we fight like crazy monkeys.

It's almost 3am and i need to sleep nowwwww


Dahhhh

Fed up

Seriously! Brapa kali ktk mk plh mek nangis camtok?! Kmk fed up dh dgn ktk plh kmk rs down camtok. Kmk sik suka ngamok2 camtok time kmk pregnant nektok. Mek x suka the thought of baby mek tauk mek sedih n merana. Ktk nyaman jak blh tdo berderok cnun. Even when ktk d rmh pun ktk blh jak tdo while i feel like crap apa tah gk when ktk d sinun.

Now only ktk blh contact kmk n kmk just perlu pasrah trimak call ktk wpun kmk tgh mrh coz kmk tkt mun mek x angkat kmk x tauk bla gk ktk akan call. When kmk down glak2 ktk xda. Ktk tinggal mek mantak2 gia. Pandei2 kmk lah mujuk ati kmk tok gne n when me dh ok ckit suddenly ktk coming mk 'pujuk' kmk. What's the point? U weren't there when i needed the most. I feel so depress and words cant describe betapa mek down when ktk plh mek sedih. It's almost suicidal. Nsb lah kmk pregnant n x plh benda yg bkn2 coz i dont want to hurt the baby.

Ktk selfish tauk sik. Allah jak tauk betapa sedih nya kmk rs kinektok. Kmk xda tmpt lain mk pour my feelings except blog tok. Kmk x rs mk ktk blt ari isnin tok. Mun ktk lamak gk sinun maybe sebab Allah tauk kmk perlu buk gk masa mk kuatkan dirik.

Kmk nyaman2 jak nak madah klak baby kita akan gang ktk lebih dr kmk coz kmk tek kuat ngerepak. Imagine jak apa perasaan kmk yg tgh mengandungkan baby tok. Siang malam tahan sakit blakang, thn nya kick perut mek the whole day, telan ubat besar2 everyday n rs fear mk beranak sik lamak gk.


Kadang2 kmk rs x berbaloi apa kmk plh k ktk. Kmk mintak permission ktk on even benda yg plg kecik tp in d end kmk x dpt coz ktk x mk. Mun org lain x da nya terpk mk tyk pun.

Everytime before ktk blt outstation, kmk akan make sure rmh kemas, baju suma lipat n laundry dah plh coz kmk mk spend time ngan ktk. N the last time u went away, ktk pdh iboh plh keja rmh...klak plh sama2 tp ckit pun rmh x terurus pasya. When ktk terpajsa plh keja rmh n kmk ddk dpn tv jak muka ktk mcm kmk ambik kesempatan. Tp pernah ka ktk terpk apa kmk plh before ktk blt?

Kmk seriously fed up ngan ktk nektok. This is too much. Ktk pdh ktk pun ada perasaan juak. Ktk pdh ego mek besar and kmk xda mk pdh sorry ka sekali skala.

Kmk xda rs mk pdh sorry coz kmk rs kmk berik effort byk ngan ktk eventho ktk xda pun plh effort k kmk n kmk x pernah pun complain psl ya.

Penat!

Just finished folding allllll the clothes, do the laundry and sweep the floor. Now my body rasa mk patah. Have to sit and relax like every 5 mins. It took me sooooo long to do the house work.

One of my bestest friend is coming tomorrow all the way from penang and that is none other than may!!!

I'm praying hard that ze husband got a place in the chopper on monday or else he'll be there for another week coz all the boats are fully booked. So pls pray with me.

It's 12.40am and i'll be working tomorrow...

ZzzzzzZZzzzzx

;))

It's 11.11am and i miss my husband soooooo much. He still hasn't call yet.

Scrap that...
He called!!!! And i feel like on top of the world weeeee.....he said he has a present for me and i must not ask what and when he's gonna give it but i'll have to choose. Hmmm...i wonder is it food, baby stuff or for me...we'll see...

Oh my english!

I just read smth funny on fb...

A friend posted a pic of himself..
Comment: pls buy .....for me. I know u'll find a ROAD to bring back...



Homaigod...a road???? Seriously???? Isn't it suppose to be a wayyyy....hahhahahahahhaha

Welcome back

I just watched grey's and i hate that i can totally relate myself to the story. I feel like i'm christina. Tonight episode was when owen told her that he slept with a random woman and that broke christina apart.

Okay my husband does not sleep with other woman, nauzubillahiminzalik but i totally get the broken part. In the end owen left and it ended just like that. I dont want us to be like that so i'm gonna soften my heart and let him back into my heart. He must give me one big giant hug when he comes back on monday.

Don't get me wrong with my previous post. I do love my husband A LOT. Why else would i marry him but sometimes becase of his ignorant and my sensitivity kabooommmmm it explodes! But most of the time we are a lovey dovey couple who ppl around us will be sick seeing us.

I love u syg. Come home soon. I'm ready now..

...

It's almost 9pm and i just got home. Ya Allah penat rs badan. Dont have energy to eat. After watching health show, i dont feel like eating fast food or anything that is unhealthy. Even eating bread or rice make me feel disgusted. But if i dont have them, i'll feel hungry all the time during the day.

Husband called again just now. Thinking that i might be at home and cooled down but i wasnt. I was still as angry like before. Don't feel like picking up the phone if he call again later but then again the thought of him having to que a long line just to talk to me for 5mins makes me feel like a jackass if i reject his call. But i soooo want him to feel what i felt last night. Then the thought of 'isteri solehah mesti minta maaf kepada suami seblm tdo stiap malam' just kills me. Why cant husband minta maaf? Why must the wife go to hell of the husband doesnt forgive the wife? It's a bit unfair do t u think?

I wanna have a new hobby. Making research on islam. I read too many ridiculous stuff in fb that was posted by the so called preacher that makes me wanna puke. Make me dislike the teachings of islam. Make me question my faith. These preacher thought that they're being saints and trying to pull us to live in the way of islam. Instead, it push me further and further frm islam. So since ramadhan is coming soon, it is perfect for me to learn abt islam coz no setan will disturb me during my studies. Yeehaaa...some ppl are crazyyyyyy to do good stuff during ramadhan but honestly for me, it's no different than bln lain. U still have to be crazy kind during the other months. This ramadhan insyaAllah i want to strenghten my iman and learn abt islam. The true islam base on al-quran and sunnah. Hadith is a bit hard coz there's a lot of fake ones now so for me al-quran and sunnah is good enough.

I may or may not fast this month and i dont care what other ppl have to say coz this is my life and my body. Only i know my limit so screw u.

If i fast ppl would say..aiya no need to fast la, ur pregnant. Or kesian lah ur baby dont get enough nutrient.

If i dont fast ppl would say...kakak aku pregnant haritu puasa je...ok je ak tgk...full kot dye puasa...

So once again, i will remind myself to be strong and just dont care what other ppl have to say.


Husband just called and i feel so menyampah mok answer his call. He said that i dont have to punish him by making him feel angry in return of what he did to me last night coz he didnt do it on purpose. I can't forgive him just yet. I just can't.

He put me through hell last night. If it wasn't becoz of the baby, i wouldnt know what i'll do to myself.

The only way i can vent to you is through my blog since i have no other way to communicate with you.

How long have you known me? You know i'm the kind of person who will grow anger and hatred over time. So when you call me this morning, i wasnt looking forward to hear your voice. Last night was so bad for me and even as i type this post, i feel like my tears can come out anytime thinking about last night. I was all alone and i have no one to comfort me. No one to tell me that it's gonna be fine. You're strong and you can go through this all by yourself. I feel bad for the baby to er me screaming like a crazy woman. That is why i hate you so much right now for making me so sad. Once again you tried to defend yourself this morning on why you didn't call me back last night. Guess what? I dont care anymore. Now i'm finally okay and i'm working my ass off to finish this tender so that i can enjoy my weekend with my friend and i dont need you. Work as long as you want coz i honestly dont want to see your face just yet.

Dont come home just yet

I dont want u to come home. Not anymore. How can u be so insensitive. I cried scream and yell like a mad woman in this house after u hang up the phone. I dont think i'm gonna pick ur call tomorrow. I dont want to hear ur voice until i dont know when i'll forgive u.

Even if my hormon are not stable and being like a cry baby. U should have comfort me. U should know better since ur hormon is normal. But no...u raised ur voice to prove smth to me. How can i not be sensitive when i said i miss u and i feel like i want to cry n then u said 'maybe becoz ktk denga suara kmk...bah k lah bye' n i said ' noooo pls dont hang up' cuba syg soak urself in that particular conversation. How can kmk x kecik ati?!! Wpun syg slh fhm but mun dh denga kmk nangis gia pun syg still mk prove ur point yg u heard it wrongly? Why cant syg mengalah n pdh sorry. That would have made me feel better.

Now i think i lost my voice coz i couldnt stand the emotions running inside my body. God knows what my baby is thinking or feeling when i was in the crazy state. I was out of breath n my head feels mcm mk explode coz i couldn't deal with my emotions. N u werent here to see what damage u've made.

I hope u'll come home at least on monday. I dont wish to see u anytime soon. I hate ur job. I hate what ur putting me through. Go ahead and say kmk x bersyukur or whatever becoz there's no woman in this world who like to be married and left behind after that.

I dont know how am i gonna cope when this baby comes out. Will i be okay looking after her while working at the same time and i have NO ONE with me. Boh pdh when the baby pops out, i'm actually worried abt myself in this coming weeks. I've watched too much 'if birth goes bad' and i know what possible situation can happen and if that happens, whose gonna be there for me?


What have i got myself into?!
Fuck i'm doomed!

It's 7pm and i just got out frm the office. I feel sooooooo tired. I hope the road will be kind to me. Pls lah jgn jam. Am so hungry and tired right now. Mksdnya mkn sardin n roti jak lah mlm tok..cepat n senang

Fuck u

Today i thought i already dressed up nicely but then there was this girl asking am i wearing a baju tido. I felt so insulted coz 1) she's not close to me at all to make that joke 2) she wore smth like what my grandma would wear everyday. My friends laughed abt it and thought it was funny and they brought it up in fb which pisses me off. But i tried to keep my cool and carefully chose my words to reply coz i still dont want to be insensitive like them. How i wish i can reply "x kisah lah korg nak ckp org kampung ke baju tido ke yang penting duit dlm account ak byk"

I am very very sensitive when it comes to how i look. Coz :
1) i am very aware that i am fat now coz HELL-O can't u see i'm pregnant?!
2) hence 90% of my clothes don't fit anymore and i hate buying pregnant clothes coz i hate the thought of not being able to wear it when the baby pops out!
3) preggie clothes are yucky coz it all look very lepeh-ish. If only i can wear sleeveless dresses and short sundress so that i can actually breathe in my clothes
4)Plus they are sooooo expensive
5) i have so many other things to buy other than clothes such as nursing bra, baby towel and bedding n etc...


So when ppl call me heavy weight, org kampung and baju tido. I will feel offended becoz i, too miss being pretty.

Orang kampung

I just iron my clothes and i feel horrible. U know why? Coz i'm ironing pretty clothes to work. I feel guilty about it. Normally i'll just grab whatever in front of me but apparently my collegue said i look like org kampung. It felt like a slap to my face when she told me that. Suddenly my self esteem is low and i felt embarass. Though we joked about it coz another collegue of mine got the exact same reaction from her bf's family, it still hurts. Yes i laugh and act like i'm not affected by it but deep down inside i do.

I just realized how unattractive i am becoming. Plus gaining weight and being pregnant doesn't help. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore and that is very frustrating.

I only like to dress up when husband is around even when i'm at home. I even wear perfume before going to sleep. But when he's not home, i just dont bother to dress up. What's the point right??

So now i feel guilty wearing prettty clothes but not going out on a date with husband. I feel like as if i'm telling the world "look at meee..i'm prettyyyy"

I hope Allah will forgive my choice of clothes tomorrow. I'm just embarass that even my own friend sees me like org kampung ;(

Kick...aiyak!

Baby kicks are getting more and more intense. My back pain is starting to be a bit unbearable plus it's getting harder to take a deep breath.

When husband returns insyaAllah i'll hit 7 months mark! Weehoo..

I miss my husband

It's another lonely weekend for me. Husband is working offshore in kemaman. This time around his place doesn't have internet so we couldn't be in touch all the time. All i can do is wait for him to call me using the public phone.

Alhamdulillah. This time around is not so bad. I'm not a cry baby like how i used to be. When i didn't heard any news from him for over 36 hours if i'm not mistaken, i just pray hard and leave everything in god's hand. I was worried sick since i know he was transported using a small boat in the middle of the sea. I tried to keep myself busy to take my mind off being worried.

Now all i do is wait for him to come home in the next two weeks and we'll start to shop baby stuff again ;) Husband said that he's gonna paint the nursery when he comes home. Can't wait!

;(

I haven't heard any news from husband for the past 28 hours. Ya Allah ya tuhanku tabahkanlah hatiku

Acrobatic baby

Baby is moving like an acrobatic in my tummy. The funny thing is it's visible and i feel so geli when i watch it. I wish husband is here right now coz we would totally laugh seeing this together.

Oh my baby is still moving at this moment. I feel so geliiiiiiiiiiiii

If only my energy level is like before i was pregnant, then i wouldn't need the help from someone else.

It gives me too much heartache

Moody

I totally understand why mommies are always annoyed and moody and very very sensitive/explosive.

I'll be in that state whenever i feel that my house is not tidy. I can live like a normal happy person when i dont care about the messiness but the minute i realize that i need to do this and that, i will be soooooOooOoo moody! Argh!!

We're out to buy some stuff from tesco and i'm surveying for some baby essential at giant/tesco so hopefully i'll find some bargains.

Anywho...i hate it when i'm moody. Mun aku jenis ceridak kan bagus..x lalek mk ngemas2 tok. Haih

Baby essential #2

I am obsessed with reading baby essentials and baby checklist on the net. I barely have enough sleep cause my mind is just soaked with all the informations that i get. Next thing to buy is the bedding set and i found one that i like in anakku.

My problem right now is the bathing set. The one that they sell is bulky and i don't have much space as i'm only staying in an apartment. I found one that is foldable but the price is rm100+ which i think is ridiculous. I do not want to bath the baby in the sink because our sink is not sturdy enough like the one at home. I guess i'll need to go to the japanese shop and find what they have in store for this.

Other essentials that i need are:
Bips
Socks
Sleeping clothes
Light weight blankie
Rotan basket
Towel
2 Small baskets

This is my next things to buy

Baby shopping haul

I just got home from ikea. Now my whole body is sore but good news is we bought the cot already and stuffs for the baby room. Sadly we didn't find the wall lamp that we want so i guess we'll have a second trip later..maybe after the husband finish painting the baby room.

The husband job is to buy all the big stuff and i get to enjoy buying all te cute little stuff for the baby. So for my first 'haul' of baby clothes, i bought quite a lot of stuffs. I'll just leave this post by a pic of the baby stuffs that i bought.

Sorry for the previous post. Was hungry so the hormon is outraged! There's a saying "don't make a pregnant lady angry or smth2" x ingat..

Now i full of roti sardin and am taking my sweet time to clean the house byw astro ppl just came and i have astro now :)))))

Ok off to do more cleaning!

I feel so fucking stress right now with my house. I tried to not think about it for the this whole week but i think my boiling point had enough. I am so fucking stress becoz i am so fucking tired right now. Thus i dont have fucking energy to fucking clean my fucking disgusting house. When i am in this stupid state, i leave it to husband to do the housework. If he doesnt wash the dishes then there will be dishes accumulating in the sink. If he doesnt do the laundry, or i remind him to do it thus my clother will pile up till my floor is full of clothes. But sometimes i feel ba for asking him to do the stuff coz rs cam org gaji jak polah gia. Even if brg rah lantei pun i ask him to pick coz my pinggang or back hurts when i pick it up. It is so fucking frustrating and i think i'm gonna cry now, thinking about it.

I just slammed down my phone after talking to him coz he doesn't get why i am so fucking frustrated with the state of our house. Do u want me to post the pics of our house right now? It's so fucking disgusting.

I feel so tired becoz i'm always the one who try to make it clean and tidy and when he does smth, i'll have to tidy it up afterwards. If i dont, this is what happen. The thing that annoys menis when things is not put at their original position andddd when the cover of the drink is not close! That kills me coz semut akan masuk and I AM GOING TO BUANG THE AIR. Douknowhowwecoolourwater?!

Honestly i dont know how am i going to have a baby. How am i gonna keep everything in place, clean and make sure the laundry is folded and kept at all times.

Fuck my life!

;))))

Assalamualaikum wbt

I still can't believe i'm gonna have a baby girl! I pray that everything is going to be fine and she's going to be one healthy baby. So far, doc said she is doing good. Her heart beat was fast and that's a good sign. Her arms and thighs were soooo cute, looking from the scan. I just can't wait to have her in my arms.


Now i'm excited to do my shopping. Yes i know..i' m six month already and i haven't bought anything yet. It's just that i don't want to jinx it and now i feel confident enough to start buying baby stuff.

We'll start with her crib and moses basket/car seat. That is what the daddy will buy.

And as for me i'll be buying her bath set and all the cute clothes for baby girl!!!!! Yeeehaaa...but one thing for sure, i'm not going to be nad buying all the pink stuff coz it ain't cute seeing a cotton candy baby!

Ok time is up for blogging. Need to get ready for work.


Have a nice day!!

Week 25

Alhamdulillah my baby is healthy and guess what????? It's a girl!!! I am sooOOooooo happy! Subhanallah..

Her face was very prominent and I can see her eyes and nose clearly. Am sooooo excited for the 3D scan in the next two weeks! N i'll be seeing her live in action and the best thing is the whole thing will recorded! Yeeehaaa!!
That is one of the advantage of going to a private hospital coz u get good treatment and service. Alhamdulillah.

Btw..i survived my biggest fear!! For the first time in my life, I gave my blood sample to the doc. Finally i'll know what blood type i am. I was so bubbly and chatty when i'm nervous so it was funny to see me go bfkksksnkslshkdl when the doc wanted to poke me with needle. What i can say is the pain was 2/10 and it was alright. I know the doc tried to take my mind off it by asking me questions but honestly i don't feel anything when she sucked my blood. The only pain i felt was was she put the the needle insisde me. So it was true after all mcm gigit semut. I guess parts of it has got to be because god answered my prayer. I prayed so hard that it's not gonna be too painful for me and it wasn't! Alhamdulillah.

Let me end this post with a pic of my baby girl ;)